Monthly Archives: December 2011

The truth,the whole truth and nothing but the truth

The truth,the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

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How To Screw Your Life Up After You Graduate College « Thought Catalog

How To Screw Your Life Up After You Graduate College « Thought Catalog.

Men, you all babies!

Don’t bite me off before I even start. Yes, men. I mean the opposite of a female are all babies even at the age of 40!

Now, lets look at this this way. You want to take a bath but before you even get to do it, someone has to remind you. Just because you feel you are a ‘man’, you leave the house without a sweater or coat. Someone has to remind you. “Baby please get a sweater, it cold out there”. Damn! I didn’t see that coming.

Why do you need women around? To order them! “Get me my coat I am getting late”. “Where is my car keys?” Oh men! she noticed your boxer is missing in the week’s laundry and the white vest has turned cream. You wore it thrice, men!

One of your socks is lost somewhere in between the cushions or maybe somewhere under the bed, all stinking bad. Wait, is that your handkerchief? Oh men! you never remember to have it washed, and the tie? Now tell me, you just but a male.

Now, at least smile again!

A press conference in style!

Never Alone

Elizabeth Ombati

If ever you feel lonely; I wish you Love in those moments.
May it dawn on you that you are never alone; I am here to take your hand; and go with you there where your heart desires.

I wish you peace when the wind is beating hard; in the currents, I pray that your feet remain firm on the ground; and I will be here to embrace you; to share my warmth with you; to light a fire for you.

On the days doubt fills your being; let this Faith I have in you shine a light in our Lives.

When fear creeps in; and darkness clouds your eyes; let my heart be your guiding light; in here is a never ending glow to lead our way.

I promise to wipe your tears with gentle words; to heal your pain with tender touches. For you have planted Love in…

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I called My Ex!

Alone in the house and i am usually airtime phobic. I just cannot stand my phone having a little airtime, better off when Safaricom disqualifies me from their ‘okoa jahazi’ because i could not repay within the stipulated time.

Here he is (me) scrolling through my phonebook without any major reason. Comes across a familiar name, yeah, a girl. As if the other names were not familiar right from letters A through to …almost near Z. Dials the name and she calls me ‘dear’ on connection.

I disconnect the call, think for a second and call again. This time the she is busy. Still in my ear, my phone suddenly rings with a loud ringtone. I curse the caller on to realize she called back. ‘Mbona unaniflash?’ she asked furiously. Aah No! i din’t flash you but i accidentally dialled your number, sorry. There i was trying to defend myself, fool!

“Sema lakini’ i continued. She paused for a few seconds and disconnected the line. I called back.

Hey, don’t get pissed off with me. Merry Christmas! I don’t celebrate Christmas, she said.  Ok. to hell. That reminds me, do i still celebrate you Christmas? You will come along on a Sunday, and that day, God knows how i love sleeping. I will go to church later but that is after i have found a ‘good bible based church’ Joel Osteen says so.

I remember the last time i attended church (on live TV) another pastor told me to plant a seed, i did that last week upcountry (a muembe seed). The good thing with this seed is that it doesn’t need fertilizer, it will just grow. If my Pastor or Father was Joel Osteen, assistant Pastor Masinde and Cathy Kiuna, maybe i could have been such a holy boy.

Talking of Christmas. i saw some pictures sold by hawkers showing baby Jesus dressed in a bling and shaved mo-hawlk. I can’t tell how they came up with that but i bet the artist thinks Jesus ni Moi/Kibaki atachekea those pictures like ‘Redcorner’ or ‘XYZ’.

 

Your Boss also uses matatu

Yaawn! What time is it? Jesus on a bike! Its 6.42 am. I cant believe i slept this much. Anyway, it is a Monday and yesterday COTU wanted me to stay at home for ten days as from today.

My Twitter friends have no posts about the strike, Facebook on the other hand is free from the matatu strike and breakfast shows on radio are only asking me whether there are matatus on our route. Damn! How do they expect me to leave my bed, wade through the chilly morning, just to get to know whether ‘kuna matatu’ kwetu? Na, kama hakuna!

My sweet bed, you know how i dread Mondays and how i hate the phone ringing from an office number. Please don’t let the warmth escape.  There are no PSVs today, i believe so. I can’t hear their hooting from a distance and my neighbour’s car broke over the weekend, he cannot leave for work too.

Oh No! Holly cow, the call. Hello, ye..s yes boss!  Niko stage boss na i can’t find any means of transport. How come the bus stop is that grave silent, hata kama hakuna magari? a-aah, yeah, you see boss…’line disconnected’.  Boss ashafika office, en i am here lolling in bed, i am dead!

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