Fishing Naked Catches the Biggest Fish!

Which generation are you?  Do you belong to the ‘dot com’ or the Y generation? Well, never mind. I saw this picture circulating on the social media platforms and hit my nostalgia hard. Then I came to know where I belong.

If my eulogy was to be read, this is how I would want it to flow. “The man in the coffin was called ****, you know him right?” (if at all you will contribute to purchase a dissent one)   Now, let’s get straight to my point. I love the way innovation has changed the way we think and the way we view things. At one point in your younger age…pause for nostalgia…, you lived only knowing hide and seek as the best game you use to hide na kina Fulani in the nearby tea or maize plantations. You take advantage of the game to lie on top of a girl (with cloths on). The other game could be bano or jumping the robe for girls among other silly games.

I remember during the holidays waking up as early as 6am, gather our livestock only to disappear till dusk in the name of grazing our cattle. All the animals could be gathered at kina Jared’s uncultivated big tract of land tie them there and off we go to far streams to swim and fishing naked. That stream was a favorite to tens of boys from neighboring villages who could flock there to swim and compare our dudu. Boys with smaller ‘dudu’ were supposed to swim downstream while those huge ones were left upstream which usually had more water and was clean.

We could take off our clothes and leave them somewhere in the middle of maize and sugarcane plantations nearby and some nasty girls used to come and steal them away and wait for us as we go home naked to laugh at our ‘dudus. Anyway, we never minded them because we knew kina Jared had put their dudus in theirs. We mocked them instead. Jared was older than us and he liked messing up those girls’ pride.

The most interesting moments were when we used to fish naked by choice. This was a must for any boy who wanted to catch the biggest mudfish. Yes, we believed that if the shadow of our dudu was cast on the water, you can easily catch the biggest fish…I don’t know but I think it used to work.

You see, that was then. There came toy cars…Ready made. Ours was made of senyenge ni ngombe. We could destroy barbed and net wired fences just to get those wires to twin up the latest model of car we saw when Moi passed near our school. It was very creative because you must model it up through memory. We could race up our “Need For Speed” and “Mid Night Club” games right on the dusty roads, make sure you raise as much attention as possible with a unique model.

I miss those kids of that generation…..

Now, we have the Y generation, the laziest generation ever! Look, if it is a game, there are computer games, PS2, XBOX etc. If they had to play, that could only happen in the house because playing outside they maybe kidnapped. There is no space for playing either. The schools are on top of buildings; their residence is fenced with a perimeter wall plus electric fence topping up. Those in the villages are not spared either… the buy toy cars instead of making them, there is no river flowing to swim, if there is, ni kwa Fulani  and he would not want his shamba trespassed arrgh!

Where do you belong? Download that nostalgia and tell the world how your childhood went in your time.

No, Stop the Mpesa *234#

Press *234# and call from your Safaricom line to get 5 previous transactions on your Mpesa account. That is not news, I know. My problem is, this newly developed idea lacks logic.

Don’t crucify me yet but do this, ask your friend’s phone and dial *234#, boom! You will get all their Mpesa account statement just within 30seconds. Now go ahead and ask some money from them. See, breach or privacy! The problem doesn’t fall on you; it falls on those who brought up this idea.

Come on Safaricom, your “check my Mpesa account Statement” system is insecure. It is breaching people’s Mpesa records security for sure. The same way you advice your clients to keep their PIN secret and share it with no one, it is the same way their transactions must be kept more secure.

With this new system of checking your Mpesa statement, you will have to sit on your phone all the time so that no one with hidden agenda finds your financial records by just clicking on your phone. This problem came along when my friend called me up; he wanted us to meet urgently because of something he referred to as a serious problem. When we finally met, he looked scowled like someone had been threatened to have his body parts sold.

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Father dads

Celibacy is not making any sense any more to our priests. Face it, they are having sex and a lot of it! We have read and heard many cases of priests and pastors in love triangles and unending accusations of impregnating their fellow nuns and other women from the church.

I once read a story in the dailies about a certain parish van driver who admitted t have had sexual relations with the vestals in one of the catholic churches here in Kenya. According to this man, he worked in the parish for over 20 years receiving sexual favours from the nuns which made him to end up not getting married. I think he made sense, if he was getting ‘holy matrimony’ every night from the ‘virgins’, why could he need a wife anyway?  He further confirmed that he believes he has several children out there with his nose, whom he has never seen. Many of the young practising nuns could get pregnant and leave the convent silently and never come back to bother him, wow!

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thechulxchronicles

Kneeling down in her cramped kitchen, the pharmacist opens her fridge door and removes the freezer compartment drawer crammed with three packages wrapped in black bin liners.

As she carefully opens the brittle bundles, she boasts of her ability to use the contents to make a pill that can cure all known ills.

‘After taking two tablets a day you will feel the difference after just one week,’ she says.

Even though the parcels are frozen, they exude an unpleasant smell that quickly permeates her nondescript apartment in a small Northern Chinese town.

But pushing the plastic freezer box across the floor to her new-found customer, the woman, who works at a Chinese hospital, appears almost proud as she says: ‘Choose one. Please, choose one.’

Each of the bags contains a single aborted foetus; one of them is said to be of seven months’ gestation. The infants’ remains will be…

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Pay Interns

You must wake up! You have been in intern for more than three months? Get alive. Labour laws clearly state that the company that takes you in as an intern is required by law to absorb you as their full time employee, paid in their scale and entitle to leave days among other benefits. If they cannot do that, then your internship should end at the end of your third month there.

It is true and evident that some interns ‘decide’ to stay longer in the hope of ‘acting good’ in order to secure themselves a job. Yes, that is ok but if the company really needs you that much, then they must take you in. Many employers know very well that majority of these interns are straight from college, they do not have money even for their transport to work but still misuse them to the fullest. Take for example our very own KBC, you pay to be an intern! that’s bad. Having paid a substantial amount for the internship, no one cares about you anymore while you are in there. If you don’t follow up for duties, you will finish your internship at KBC without knowing anything.

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KISS TV & QTV could have done better

When KISS TV came onto our screens we all expected the feel of KISS 100 which had taken over the airwaves of Nairobi and the entire country. You could practically wake up with Kiss100 from 5.am when Nyambane played the best mix of music to wake you up and rekindle life to the then ‘only entertaining ‘ radio station after KBC ‘s Countdown with Charity Karimi and John Karani.

Fast forward, Kiss TV is here.  Looking through many blogs like the Social Experiment’s http://www.mm.co.ke/?p=6142 and http://www.mm.co.ke/?p=6138 commentaries, you will realize how viewers expected so much out of these two media houses. Kiss TV struggled to maintain two channels, Classic Tv and Kiss Tv but it was all in vain. Classic TV, a metamorphosis of Metro TV to Channel 2 could not find anything good to air on their signal, i guess that’s why they had to air identical boring programs with Kiss.

RIP Classic TV, NMG got pregnant with another amazing embryo QTV. Personally, i heard of this idea many years ago and was looking forward to receive on my screen a TV with a difference. A Kiswahili TV station? Well, nilitazamia uhondo wa hali ya juu. They all brought to us “the obvious trend”. In fact, house wives and House Managers prefer playing “Kiatu Kivue -Rose Muhando” loud during the day when everybody is away instead of spending time to watch either of the two.

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Twitter idiots don’t deserve prison | News | TechRadar

Twitter idiots don’t deserve prison | News | TechRadar.

A Kao’s recount of the MKS ‘airport’ blast

A Kao’s recount of the MKS ‘airport’ blast.

She Took My Burger

I know you have seen that advert for Cocacola where a chic grabs away a glass of ice cold soda just as the guy prepares to pick it up. Yeah, it’s Kind of the same thing here too. Think of that awkward moment when you really want to sneeze but it doesn’t come out, you keep folding the face hoping that it would come out but repeatedly dies away.

I used to love those times hawkers were around the city center selling their wears and chanting all manner of “hawk language” that i was well accustomed to. Those music and movie CDs areas were my favorite stop. I would shuffle the whole table of CDs looking for a record by Akon or some action film for the evening. Those guys kept sliding a porn CD into my collection in bid to have me pay for if without anyone seeing but i kept declining. The hawker is like “Hii ni ile motomoto…ntakukatia price, kesho upitie iniambie vile iko..”  (“This is the best of all; i will give it to you at half price then tomorrow pass by to tell me how it went”)  

Every piece was going like hot cake and i felt it better get myself one….i didn’t know those CDs either had nothing in them or some kind of Jet lee martial arts in Chinese! On the other side of Tom Mboya Street i could see a lady waving nice boxers but i didn’t like their color. Next to her was….wait a minute, i smiled to myself. I had been looking for her for very long, she never picked any of my calls nor did she bother to reply my frequent SMSs.

Judy is a lady of her kind; God carefully configured her structure and filled every necessary edge of her skin but for the dimples. I could see her hair blown off by the evening wind but she was camouflaged within the several colors of clothing from the people who surrounded her. She bent to pick something from the mitumba heap on the ground and i could neatly follow her alignment leg to hip. “She is beautiful,” i said to myself.

Working with such a lady in the office gives me comfort even if i never used to speak to her, i was shy. Too bad.  The only thing that kept me alive is seeing her pick documents from my desk before she could catwalk to the scanner at the corner of the office. I don’t know why someone could put that scanner that low, Gosh! She had to bend over to use it; there i am peeking through the 17″ monitor. I later asked the inventory guys to remove the scanner from my office, i was relieved. Read the rest of this entry

Kenyans Voted Ugliest in Africa – 22 January 2012 – Guide2Uganda News

Kenyans were last weekend voted the funniest looking people in Africa. With 48 participating nations in the Annual Most Beautiful People of Africa Awards, held at the Gregor Theater in Bloemfontein SA, Kenya took the last position, dislodging Zambia and reclaiming the title it held in 2000.

It posted 7 points out of a possible 540 points. The top position was taken by Rwanda, followed by Cameroon and then Ethiopia as second runner up. The last three positions were Kenya at 48, Zambia at 47, then Gabon, at 46. The judges said they gave their points based on presentation, physical appearance, grooming, communication and other areas.

Coincidentally this came just a week after an article on Kenyans appeared in the Pretorian Bird. The article, in the entertainment section, claims Kenya has the funniest looking president on earth, and a VP with a strange looking head. It goes on to say that Kikuyu women and Luo men pose the most weird features.

“Women from the Kikuyu community have small legs, totally no figures, and a little exeggerated heads. They lack good behinds and those who have them look like inflated baloons.They are shaped like pyramids turned upside down.A big upper frame and an almost inviscible lower bit.

Luo men on the other side have distorted facial features..say big lips and huge noses or should we call them knobs. Kikuyu men are also unproportional, and most of them are stunted. They walk leaning foward. Plus they have long rusty teeth.”

“Those from Kisii Districts are small people, the average Kenyan man will stop growing at 5’2″…5’4″ tops. Kisii men have mango shaped heads, and bowed legs, a feature also common in in their Luhya counterparts.”

He goes on to describe Kaleos as “Funny little pitch black emaciated fellows, raking in millions from the track. However long they’ll remain in Europe, their features never improve”. “Nandis will have rounded foreheads, and thin, long arms”. While occupants at the coast province are said to have “Wide faces, almost like a widescreen telly, especially taitas,and durumas”

“Kenyans do not know the meaning of good grooming” The writer says. “The women hate their dark skins and opt for mercury bleachs which mess them up. The result: A scary (unpigmented)light face, black legs, and a black back”. As much as the Kenyan accent, of standard english is admired, “there’s too much mothertounge interference, common in Merus, Kisiis, and Kikuyus”.

While Luos were pointed out as to be suffering from chronic ‘braggitis’. The research funded by the institute of Primate Research at the University of St. Kenkley, also noted that Kenyan men are very marketable in the Kimberely area of SA and parts of the Guateng region. Reason, they are big, hopeless spenders.

Moral lesson, “Be careful dating a Kenyan online.” Accepting the Award Ambassador Kinyesi, complained of biased judging. Also present were dignitaries from all around Africa.

via Kenyans Voted Ugliest in Africa – 22 January 2012 – Guide2Uganda News.

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